> The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

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Clive
#1 2009-11-22 01:08:36

The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Where we left off...
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And now we approach the end of Genesis. Israel (Jacob) dies, Joseph's nervous brothers beg him for mercy, and Joseph tells them:
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There's no hard feelings, OBVIOUSLY God was behind your treachery and it was all part of a larger heavenly plan to make me a great king!
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WHAT?! I NEVER EVEN SAID SO MUCH AS A WORD TO THAT SHOWBOATING IDIOT.
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NICE COAT, MORON! THANKS FOR ENSLAVING ALL OF YOUR PEOPLE WHOM I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BAIL OUT WHEN WE GET TO THE BOOK OF EXODUS, DIPSHYT!!!
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SEE YOU WHEN YOU'RE DEAD, WHICH IS AT THE END OF THIS CHAPTER. GOD, OUT!
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Joseph dies and is buried in Egypt. THE END! (Finally!)
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Eventually Joseph's brothers and all from that generation died, but the sons of Israel continued to replicate...
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And the sons of Israel became fruitful and began to swarm; and they kept on multiplying and growing mightier at a very extraordinary rate, so that the land got to be filled with them.
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Inflation!
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In time there arose over Egypt a new king who did not know Joseph.  And he proceeded to say to his people:
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Holy Shyt! The sons of Isreal are more numerous and mighty than we are. Come on! Let us deal shrewdly with them before they take over!
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Consequently the Egyptians made the sons of Israel slave under tyranny but the more they would oppress them the more they would multiply.
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God damn, there are Jews all over the place, something must be done, get me the midwifes.
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Yes Pharaoh?
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You need to to start killing all the male Jew babies
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Yes sir
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But they didnt listen because they are followers of the true God
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Thats would be me.  Blessed be the Jews we need moar!
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It didnt take long before Pharaoh noticed a whole shytload of babies running around with tiny circumcised cocks
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What the hell?  Get me the midwifes!
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Yes?
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I told you to kill the male hatchlings, why didnt you listen?
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Sir, The Hebrew women are quite uppity, they shyt the babies out even before we can get to them
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WHAT? Ok, Ok, thats it.  Throw every one of those damn kids into the river....
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And this is pretty much how that Moses kid ended up floating in a basket in the nile river.... it just so happened that Pharaoh's daughter was skinny dipping..err... bathing near by..
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Splish splash.. tee hee!
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Hey baby, thats how I like it..
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Oooooh oooh.... wait.. do you hear something?
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Nope.. keep going.. yea baby.. ok im done.. cya.
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Sweet Jesus look at the cans on the princess, perfect body, smooth skin... I never want to look at another Hebrew chick with hairy pits again.
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Oh look! An ugly baby floating in a basket.  Im going to take him home with me, I've always wanted a pet.
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monkeyboi
#2 2009-11-22 01:14:47

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Heekee wrote:

It didnt take long before Pharaoh noticed a whole shytload of babies running around with tiny circumcised cocks
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#3 2009-11-22 01:17:45

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Heekee wrote:

And the sons of Israel became fruitful and began to swarm; and they kept on multiplying and growing mightier at a very extraordinary rate, so that the land got to be filled with them.
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Inflation!
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Clive
#4 2009-11-22 01:31:55

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Soon the princess got bored of her new pet so she hired one of her maiden women to raise and nurture him.
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Tee hee!  Here, I will pay you to take this kid off my hands,  he keeps shytting himself for some reason and I dont have time for this, I have a hot date tonight.
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Ok
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And so little Moses grew up and became strong while receiving all the finest amenities that Pharaoh's palace had to offer
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Damn, I have it pretty good. 
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kilosepp
#5 2009-11-22 01:33:52

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus



DIS FREAD DELIVERS.

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#6 2009-11-23 02:15:42

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

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Tom Leykis
#7 2009-11-23 02:44:56

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

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Clive
#8 2010-01-04 02:11:28

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Eventually young moses noticed that he was a lot different from everyone else around the palace so he naturally started to ask questions.
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Mom, where do babies come from?
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Uhh.. we found you in the river
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Why do I resemble a pube covered rodent and have stunted growth?
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Uh, cuz you are a Jew..
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What is a Jew?
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They are the people that make all our bricks
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oh.. that sounds like it would suck
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Now it came about in those days as Moses was becoming strong that he went outside and he saw the the burdens that his brothers were bearing.
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He caught sight of a certain Egyptian striking another Hebrew... So Moses proceeded to kill the Egyptian after making sure nobody was watching..
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I owned the fuq out of that stupid Goy, what a great feeling!
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Unfortunately Moses was unaware of the full story and word was spreading about this little stunt.
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Did you hear what happened to Nefertari?
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No, isnt he that smoking hot egyptian guard with that beautiful uncut cock?
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Yea, We were making love and doing some really kinky stuff with whips and chains.  Just as I was about to take his full 10 inches of ebony bliss that spoiled asshole Moses came by and killed the guy.
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Well that sucks, the preening faggot was probably just jealous. 
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Yes, word was out and when Pharaoh caught wind of this he was not happy..
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Did you hear about what happened to Nefertari?
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Tee hee!  I cant resist those 10 inches of ebony bliss.
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Well he is dead.
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Damb.
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And that asshole son of yours is responsible..
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Who?
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GET HIMB!
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.
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I am out of here!
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#9 2010-01-04 02:14:26

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

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Richard_McBeef
#10 2010-01-04 02:32:41

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Heekee, are you going to be teaching Sunday School classes?

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Clive
#11 2010-01-04 02:50:44

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Richard_McBeef wrote:

Heekee, are you going to be teaching Sunday School classes?

I could, but the Church would surely kick me to the curb for teaching the children bible truths

Now please turn with me to my favorite scripture Genesis 19 versus 30-36.. Who wants to read it for me?
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I will!!
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Go ahead..
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Later Lot went up from Zo´ar and began dwelling in the mountainous region, and his two daughters along with him, because he got afraid of dwelling in Zo´ar. So he began dwelling in a cave, he and his two daughters.  And the firstborn proceeded to say to the younger woman: “Our father is old and there is not a man in the land to have relations with us according to the way of the whole earth.  Come, let us give our father wine to drink and let us lie down with him and preserve offspring from our father.”
So they kept giving their father wine to drink during that night; then the firstborn went in and lay down with her father, but he did not know when she lay down and when she got up. And it came about on the next day that the firstborn then said to the younger: “Here I lay down with my father last night. Let us give him wine to drink tonight also. Then you go in, lie down with him, and let us preserve offspring from our father.” So they repeatedly gave their father wine to drink during that night also; then the younger got up and lay down with him, but he did not know when she lay down and when she got up. And both the daughters of Lot became pregnant from their father.
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Thank you... Now the moral of the story is, if God likes you, you will be able to nail hot young virgin chicks while you are still an old man..
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ExFCER
#12 2010-01-04 02:55:56

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus



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Richard_McBeef
#13 2010-01-04 03:19:55

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Heekee wrote:

I could, but the Church would surely kick me to the curb for teaching the children bible truths

Now please turn with me to my favorite scripture Genesis 19 versus 30-36.. Who wants to read it for me?
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I will!!
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Go ahead..
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Later Lot went up from Zo´ar and began dwelling in the mountainous region, and his two daughters along with him, because he got afraid of dwelling in Zo´ar. So he began dwelling in a cave, he and his two daughters.  And the firstborn proceeded to say to the younger woman: “Our father is old and there is not a man in the land to have relations with us according to the way of the whole earth.  Come, let us give our father wine to drink and let us lie down with him and preserve offspring from our father.”
So they kept giving their father wine to drink during that night; then the firstborn went in and lay down with her father, but he did not know when she lay down and when she got up. And it came about on the next day that the firstborn then said to the younger: “Here I lay down with my father last night. Let us give him wine to drink tonight also. Then you go in, lie down with him, and let us preserve offspring from our father.” So they repeatedly gave their father wine to drink during that night also; then the younger got up and lay down with him, but he did not know when she lay down and when she got up. And both the daughters of Lot became pregnant from their father.
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Thank you... Now the moral of the story is, if God likes you, you will be able to nail hot young virgin chicks while you are still an old man..
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You are truly a man of the cloth!

Maybe it would be lucrative for you to set up a website where you interpret bible scripture for the masses.

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#14 2010-01-04 03:25:29

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Heekee wrote:

I could, but the Church would surely kick me to the curb for teaching the children bible truths

Now please turn with me to my favorite scripture Genesis 19 versus 30-36.. Who wants to read it for me?
\


I will!!
\


Go ahead..
\


Later Lot went up from Zo´ar and began dwelling in the mountainous region, and his two daughters along with him, because he got afraid of dwelling in Zo´ar. So he began dwelling in a cave, he and his two daughters.  And the firstborn proceeded to say to the younger woman: “Our father is old and there is not a man in the land to have relations with us according to the way of the whole earth.  Come, let us give our father wine to drink and let us lie down with him and preserve offspring from our father.”
So they kept giving their father wine to drink during that night; then the firstborn went in and lay down with her father, but he did not know when she lay down and when she got up. And it came about on the next day that the firstborn then said to the younger: “Here I lay down with my father last night. Let us give him wine to drink tonight also. Then you go in, lie down with him, and let us preserve offspring from our father.” So they repeatedly gave their father wine to drink during that night also; then the younger got up and lay down with him, but he did not know when she lay down and when she got up. And both the daughters of Lot became pregnant from their father.
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Thank you... Now the moral of the story is, if God likes you, you will be able to nail hot young virgin chicks while you are still an old man..
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Reverend Heekee's Bible Teachings.  You should write a book. 

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StudSupreme
#15 2010-01-04 03:28:01

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

So do these two daughters start doing each other at some point?


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Clive
#16 2010-08-16 03:31:08

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

So Moses ran away from Pharaoh and ended up in Midian sitting near a well.. Now the priest of Midian had seven daughters and as usual they came to draw water for their father's flock.. and as usual the Shepherds showed up..
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Hey bitches, get lost, you are in our way
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They are such jerks!
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Hey you assholes, how about you just let the ladies get some water
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Fine beta, you know none of them are going to fuq you right?
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He is such a nice guy, I should fix him up with one of my sisters
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He is such a nice guy, I should fix him up with one of my sisters
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He is such a nice guy, I should fix him up with one of my sisters
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He is such a nice guy, I should fix him up with one of my sisters
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He is such a nice guy, I should fix him up with one of my sisters
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He is such a nice guy, I should fix him up with one of my sisters
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He is such a nice guy, I should fix him up with one of my sisters
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Now when they came back home to their father Reuel, he said:
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How is it that you have finished so quickly today?
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An awkward little hairy manlet drew water for us and the flock
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Where is he now? Why did you ditch him?  Call him, that he may eat bread.
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Later on Moses popped the question...
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Hey man, your food is shyt compared to the grub I had at the palace but they would never think to look for me here.  You mind if I dwell with you?
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No problem, let me give you one of my daughters.. Zipporah get in here!
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damb... dad I really wanted to keep my options open, im still young and...
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I forbid you to keep gang banging those shepherds, you will do what I say or I will return those fine oils I got for you
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Sweet! sweaty desert pussy for me!
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Later she bore a son and he called his name Gershom
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Holy Shyt, I didnt know Moses had a son?!
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Richard_McBeef
#17 2010-08-16 03:38:03

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Damb. This is much better than the epic Cecil B. DeMille version. They need to do an anime adaptation of this.

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#18 2010-08-16 03:42:13

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

DIS IS WHY I COME TO CI...FOR SPIRITUAL EXPLORATION!
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#19 2010-08-16 03:50:04

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Richard_McBeef wrote:

Damb. This is much better than the epic Cecil B. DeMille version. They need to do an anime adaptation of this.

What's that website that lets you make your own animated films? 

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Richard_McBeef
#20 2010-08-16 04:00:24

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

wrote:

What's that website that lets you make your own animated films? 

Nobody can roll like the Japanese anime studios son. Madhouse would be perfect for this anime adaptation.

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.
#21 2010-08-16 04:19:32

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Heekee wrote:

Why do I resemble a pube covered rodent and have stunted growth?
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Uh, cuz you are a Jew..
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Clive
#22 2010-08-23 02:19:15

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

So then Moses became a shepherd of the flock of Jethro, and while tripping on acid one day he took the flock to the mountain of the true God, it was called Horeb or something.  That is where his Angel appeared to him while flaming and hiding in a bush.
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You usually wouldnt find me inside a bush
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Holy Shyt, that bush is on fire but it is not burning up.  I gotta check this out.
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Moses! Moses!
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Uh.. Here I am..
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Take off your fuqing shoes you boorish savage, this is holy ground.
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I have seen the affliction of my people Egypt and I have heard their outcry as a result of those who drive them to work, I know the pains they suffer because heaven forbid a Jew be forced to do something as lowly as make bricks.
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Or be a Shepherd for that matter
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So what im going to do is deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians and bring them to a land flowing with milk and honey that is currently occupied by the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and the Jebusites.
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So what will happen to those people?
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You will just need to commit a little bit of Genocide, no big deal, I will help you out.
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Sounds good, what makes you think Pharaoh will listen to an awkward little beta manlet like myself?
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That thing in your hand.. is that a Stick?
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Yes it is a Stick... A STICK!
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Throw it on on the ground..
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Holy Shyt! A Snake!!! Snaaaaaake!
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That should do it, so go back to Egypt and take that clown Aaron with you, he can help you speak since you appear to have a problem formbing complete sentences
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#23 2010-08-24 05:04:12

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus



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.
#24 2010-08-24 05:14:39

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Good grief, this is one of the most hilarious threads I've had the pleasure to come across.

I knew Heekee was talented at posting witty retorts, but who knew the guy was this capable of comedic genius?

Brav - fugging - O!

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Clive
#25 2010-08-24 05:20:16

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

. wrote:

Good grief, this is one of the most hilarious threads I've had the pleasure to come across.

I knew Heekee was talented at posting witty retorts, but who knew the guy was this capable of comedic genius?

Brav - fugging - O!



im a big fan of the scriptures

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