> The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

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Quence
#51 2010-11-01 02:41:41

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus



Pure brilliance!  I am 100% certain that the major film studios would be very interested if we can turn this thoroughly engrossing tale into a viable screen play.

The story has EVERYTHING:  action, adventure, lust, betrayal, hotties, not-so-hotties.  It's a winner!

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#52 2010-11-01 03:29:40

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Communists have always been good at the theater.
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authohich
#53 2011-01-31 03:52:11

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

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#54 2011-05-12 21:38:06

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Heekee wrote:

That thing in your hand.. is that a Stick?
\


Yes it is a Stick... A STICK!
\

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#55 2011-05-12 22:18:36

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Richard_McBeef wrote:

This story needs zombies

Shhh! We haven't got to Jesus yet.

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#56 2011-06-10 05:26:34

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

authohich wrote:

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#57 2011-07-24 05:55:23

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

wrote:

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sokeethit
#58 2011-09-27 22:31:41

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

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I Am The Beast
#59 2011-10-26 01:53:34

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

And so it came to pass that after many days and nights of travel on the ass, came Moses and his fambly and Aaron the Flunkie into Egypt.
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"Bout fuqin' TIME!"
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"Amen to THAT!"
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"Are you trying to be funny? Is that some sort of Jewish Humor thing?"
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"It's just his speech impediment, LORD, he means nothing by it. You sent me along as his SPOKESMAN...remember?"
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"Tell himb to save his smart-ass comments for Pharaoh or I'll make a manlet-sized salt-lick out of his ass...I've done it before!"
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"10-4, LORD. I'll make sure he gets the memo."
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And so did Moses see and hear the lamentations of Israel, oppressed by being limited to construction materials manufacturing and pyramid-building and tyrannized by taxation and disadvantageous trade agreements with kingdoms that subsidized THEIR brick-making industries.
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"This business of brick-making and pyramid-building SUCKS ASS! There's no profit in it! Someone invent the bank so that we can get another gig!"
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"These working conditions SUCK TOO! We need to invent unions so that we can lament in a more organized manner!"
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And the LORD sent Moses in unto Israel
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"Hey Moses...you see those mierable people over there?"
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"The ones covered in mud and dragging huge blocks up that hill they're manufacturing while kvetching all the way?"
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"Yep...them. THOSE are YOUR people. YOU deal with 'em. I have a golf date."
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"Oh, swell. Thanks a heap, LORD."
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"It must be good to be GOD, eh Lord?"
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"Good LORD, but you're a nauseating little kiss-ass!"
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"Hell-O! I'm a Spokesman...A SPOKESMAN! It's entirely occupational."
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Moses and Aaron did go in to the palace, and did have audience with Pharaoh
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"Who are you niggaz and what the FUQ you want up in dis bitch?"
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"I'm muh-muh-muh-Moses and I cuh-cuh-cuh come from Guh-Guh-Guh-God"
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"Are you motherfuqin' retarded or somethin'? Do I have time fo' dis shyt? Why I gots to put up wif all these no account mothafuqaz wandering in oput of the desert and getin' all up in mah bizness!"
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"What he means to say, Great Pharaoh, is that he comes from afar off and bears a very important message for you from the LORD our GOD"
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"So let me get this shyt straight...this LordGod character entrusts this important message to a niggah with a muthafuqin' speech impediment? Is he fuqin' with me?"
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"He works in mysterious ways, Great Pharaoh!"
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"So do my bowels from drinkin' Nile River water, ass-kissin' bitch. Get to the point."
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"Let My People GO!"
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"THAT'S yo' message? That's IT? This LordGod couldn't have written dat shyt on a scroll and put it in de fuqin' mail?"
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"Great Paharoah, he means to say that the institution of chattel slavery is a moral wrong and that people should not be kept as property...if they're Whyte and have circumcised peenuses. Moses says that the LORD our GOD wants you to release all the Whyte circumcised people and their famblies from non-unionized slavery."
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"You sound like a fuqin' lawyer...you know dat? And as far as stutter-bug over there...he sounds like he's high. He been smokin' dat shyt?"
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"Let muh-muh-muh-my pee-pee-pee-people GO! Or I sha-sha-sha-shall th-th-th-throw muh-muh-muh-my stick upon the guh-guh-guh-ground!"
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"If I may interpret..."
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"I KNOW what he SAID, paleo-shyster! Shut de fuq UP! So...you wanna throw down wif me? Bring it...bitch! I gots some magicks fo' yo' ass! I got the Harlem muthafuqin' Globetrotters of Magickal Wizardry in MAH posse. All YOU gots is yo' lawyer, a stick, and a beat-down ol' ass."
  \


And thus did Pharaoah harden his heart against the LORD GOD and his messenger Muh-Muh-Muh-Moses
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#60 2011-10-26 09:11:35

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Frickin' brilliant addition to dis dead fread. 

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Fapping 4 Jebus
#61 2011-10-26 14:09:41

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

uuunnng!!  faster, faster!  get to teh penis parts!   

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#62 2011-10-26 14:14:41

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

I Am The Beast wrote:

And so it came to pass that SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHHH
\

Why do you have to shyt up a classic thread with your stupid personal political opinion piece?

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I Am The Beast
#63 2011-10-26 17:12:05

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Spake Moses, through Aaron his Flunkie, to Pharaoh:
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"You have offended the LORD our GOD, and have hardened your heart against Himb. He will now display His mighty power that ye may be humbled in your prideful ways."
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"Yeah, right...whatever, muthafuqaz. '...Strike down upon me with GREAT ANGER, n' shyt'...heard it befo' somewhere."
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And Moses did throw his stick upon the ground. And it lay upon the floor of Pharaoh's palace.
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"Be-be-be-Behold!"
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"Yo' gonna let me know when Ah'm s'posed to do de beholdin' n' shyt...right? As far as Ah kin tell, it's a stick on my flo'."
\


"Your turn, Great Pharaoh"
\


"Check dis nigga out! His name be 'LeRoy'"
\


"Oooga-booga! Balambo Motubo! Barack Obama!"
  \


And this, the first of pharaoh's magicians came prancing out, shouting his magicks. And he did trip over Moses' stick lying upon the ground, face-planted unto the marble palace floor, broke his neck, and there he died.
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"Be-be-be-Behold His Muh-muh-muh-Mighty Hand!"
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"You call that magick? That wasn't shyt! That was an accident. Watch mah homie here bust a move on yo' ass! His name be D'Shawn...hey mah brutha, pick dat stick up!"
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"I'm down wif DAT!"
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And so the second of paharaoh's magician came forth, and as he attempted to grasp the stick, the LORD your GOD did transform the stick into a serpent, which did bite himb and he died.
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"Be-be-beBehold..."
  \


"Yeah-yeah, muthafuqa...I'm beholdin'. Dat was sho' nuff some freaky shyt, but I ain't dat impressed wif it. In the bullpen I've got mah big gun, mah wizard named 'Suspect'...and he's gonna fuq you up!"
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"S'up, pharaoh!"
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"He's not a particularly impressive looking wizard...what does he do?"
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"I make shyt disappear, Whyte boy! I done already jacked your beat-down ole hooptie of an ass and sold dat ride to the Messicans fo' dey chop shop. While you was fuqin' wif dose udder two fools, I broke into your tent and stoleded yo' frankincense and myrrh and your copllection of freaky porno scroll-drawings. I stole yo' wine, yo' bread, and yo' cheese'...all dat shyt done disappeared like it was nevah dere."
\


"Good...can you make dat stick disapear?"
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"Well, Ah's gonna have to come back fo' it since Ah gots mah hands full n' shyt!"
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Hours went by, and the wizard 'Suspect' did not himb return. A search was made of the palace, but 'Suspect' had escaped.
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"Be-be-be-Behold His Muh-muh-muh-Mighty..."
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Yeah...look. You 'bout an annoying muthafuqa. Tells you niggahs what, if you pick up dat stick and get on out mah face and outta mah crib, Ah'll thinmk about emancipatin' yo' behinds...whatcha say?"
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"That seems like a reasonable compromise for all concerned parties, Great Pharaoh."
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"He's right about one thing...you DO sound like a lawyer, y'know?"
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"Just pick up the damned stick and let's get outta here, I don't want to miss dinner"
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And Moses and Aaron did leave Pharaoh's palace and went them in among the Hebrews who dwelled in the land of Goshen, and there did they sup and repose among themb.
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""Goshen"? Is that Egyptian for 'The Ghetto'?"
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"Pretty much. The Catskills, it ain't. But the rents are cheap. Whatta you want out of us?"
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But Pharaoh hardened his heart against the LORD GOD once again, and remained intransigent.
\

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Incitatus
#64 2011-10-27 00:56:50

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

I had not seen this one during the first go round; Heekee you're a fuqin theologian!

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#65 2011-10-27 10:00:49

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Incitatus wrote:

I had not seen this one during the first go round; Heekee you're a fuqin theologian!

I remember laughing so hard I cried the first time I read through this thread. 

I'm glad The Beast resurrected it.

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I Am The Beast
#66 2011-10-27 17:15:30

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

And so, Moses and the Lickspittle Brown-noser Aaron were with Israel in their abode of Goshen, and Pharaoh had set his heart against the LORD GOD.
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"Fuq them Hebrews! I'll bust they asses by makin' them niggas make bricks without straw...that'll show the uppity hook-nosed muthafuqaz."
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"Pharaoah has vetoed the line-item in the materials manifest for straw! How are we supposed to make bricks without straw?"
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"We've always been making bricks without straw, you schmuck."
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"But Pharaoh has been PAYING us to buy straw with which to make his bricks. What have we been doing with those moneys?"
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"It's called 'banking'.:
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Moses did speak with the LORD GOD about Pharaoh's oppression of Israel.
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"I TRIED it your way. I delivered Your message through my shyster Aaron. I did throw my stick upon the ground, and pharaoh remains unmoved. He has strengthened his oppression of my people, and I gotta tell you...since the vigorsih has been cut, they're driving me nuts with their whining!"
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"I hear you. This punk is beginning to piss me off. You step aside and watch me work...I'm gettin' in the ring with his ass."
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And the LORD GOD did cause the sun to dim and the sky to darken, and darkness lay upon the land of Egypt. But Pharaoh remained unmoved.
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"Whoop-dee-doo. It's called 'night' bitch...it used to happen every twelve hours or so. I live my ass in a desert all mah life. I likes the change."
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And then the LORD GOD infested Egypt with a plague of locusts, but Pharaoh remained unmoved.

"Locusts? You mean THESE?:

One day, these are gonna be short-hand fo' a muthafuqa with nothin' left to say.
Talk to the hand!"
\


And the locusts did eat the grain in the fields, and the cattle starved, and the fish of the Nile all died and starvation did threaten Egypt.
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"Hmmmm, looks like food supplies into the Hebrew ghetto of Goshen are going to be a bit late this season. How you like dat shyt?"
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"Ummmm, Moses? Could you ask your pal LORD Our GOD to maybe rethink his negotiating strategy with pharaoh? It seems to all be backfiring on us, and we're ending up with the shytty end of the stick behind these capers."
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"I-I--I'll suh-suh-suh-see whu-whu-whu-what I cuh-cuh-can do."
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"What do you want NOW? Can't you see that I'm busy afflicting that asshole pharaoh?"
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"LORD, my people of Israel are suffering greatly from the chastisements you are inflicting on pharaoh. Everyone respects you and all, but they'd love you a lot more if you could take better aim when you fire those things."
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"And this is MY problem exactly HOW?"
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"You're beginning to look like an impotent buffoon, LORD. That's not the best image you wish to project, is it?"
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"You know, Aaron, sometimes you actually ARE handy to have around. I'd have never DARED tell Him that!"
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"No problem. He assumes that you DID say it. Tool of the trade."
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"Remind me to smite thee mightily later when all this is over."
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"I'll make space on my calendar for it."
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And so, faced with the stiff-necked pharaoh's stubborn refusal to release Israel from bondage, the LORD GOD called forth the Angel of Death.
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"Hey, Tyrone...get your shiftless ass over here!"
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"S'up, GOD?"
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"THAT'S the 'Angel of Death'?"
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"You wuz expecting Brad fuqin' Pitt? Ah'm de Angel of Death."
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"LORD GOD, no offense, but he looks like a shiftless bum."
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"Shows what you two hillbillies know! This here is the genuine article. I send one of him shuffling into take up abode in a place, and very shortly that place is laid waste and empty. abandoned chariots in the front yards of the dwellings and packs of feral dogs run through the streets."
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"How do you accomplish this?"
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"Fuqed if Ah knows. I jus' diddy-bop on into de joint, and ever'body can't get de fuq away fast enough. It's in mah nature, I guess."
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"Tyrone, I want you to go down into Egypt, and inflict yourself upon themb."
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"Man, that's HARSH!"
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"Gotcha, Holmes...Peace-Out!"
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And the Angel of Death did descend upon Egypt, and there was widespread crimbe, death and misery among themb. But among the Hebrews in the Land of Goshen he went not, for they had painted their door-lintels red, and erected signs forbidding HIS KIND from entering their places of abode.
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"Raciss as shyt, but dat's de law."
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And pharaoh was overawed by the power of the LORD GOD, and relented, saying:
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"Those Hebrews made shytty-aseed bricks anyway, Ah'm revokin' dey Egyptian privileges and throwin' dey asses out. As long as dey take their violent crime and urban blight wiff dem. Ain't dat some shyt? This is the very FIRST city in human history, and already we gots a slum up in dis mothafuqa! Let Nebuchadnezzar put up wiff dem and dey shyt."
\

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#67 2011-10-30 12:39:53

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Some weak, some lawl funny.  Overall: :halfaclap:

3.5 golfclaps out of 4. 

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#68 2011-11-04 04:41:31

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

Moar!
  \

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#69 2012-01-05 12:01:13

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

wrote:

Moar!
  \

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Suerwawintani
#70 2012-01-17 18:39:25

Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

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Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

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Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

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Re: The Emoticon Bible - The Book of Exodus

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