> The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

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ooo
#1 2008-03-16 16:31:06

The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

I AM SO BORED LET THERE BE THIS SPINNING EARTH THING. WITH SEA CREATURES AND SHEEP ON IT.
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LET THERE BE SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE ME, BUT IS FAR MORE STUPID
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Hi, God!
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HI, JACKASS. GO MOW MY LAWN.
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You got it!
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HE NEEDS TO GET LAID.
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ooo
#2 2008-03-16 16:33:17

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

SEE HERE, SKANK.  I MADE YOU FROM THE RIB OF THAT GUY OVER THERE.  GO LOVE HIM UP.
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Actually, God, I dont know if this is what I want.  I really think I need to keep my options open.  I'm still young.
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HOP TO IT, BITCH
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Jesus..
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WE'RE NOT TO THAT PART YET.
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Stealing_Mirrors
#3 2008-03-16 16:35:48

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Heek, little early to start drinking, no?

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ooo
#4 2008-03-16 16:36:38

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Wow!!! A female! It's beautiful!
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My ex-boyfriend gave me a piece of fruit, want some?
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Sure.
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It's delicious.
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Ha Ha! It's actually from the tree of knowledge. Now you know good from bad.
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Wow. You're right. For instance, a moment ago I thought you were totally a 10, but now I think you'd maybe squeak a 7 if your bush wasn't so damn big. Have you considered trimming or covering that up with something? It's nasty.
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WHAT THE FUQ ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING.
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~burp~
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RandomPostingMoniker
#5 2008-03-16 16:43:18

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

not as good as the original but it's getting better.

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shockeye
#6 2008-03-16 16:56:55

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Heekee wrote:

I AM SO BORED LET THERE BE THIS SPINNING EARTH THING. WITH SEA CREATURES AND SHEEP ON IT.
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You say there's a whole planet of these things?
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ooo
#7 2008-03-16 16:58:16

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

YOU LITTLE LOOSERS ARE NOT FIT TO LIV IN PARADISE. OUT! OUT!
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But God, who will prune the grounds and tend to the livestock?
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NEVER MIND YOU, I CREATED A RACE OF MEXICA-- I mean, "angels"--TO TEND TO PARADISE. NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!
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JUAN! THE POOL NEEDS MORE STABILIZER!!!
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Nice going, idiot. Now I've got PMS.
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This sucks.
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ooo
#8 2008-03-16 17:01:58

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Adam and Eve, having been cast out from the garden settled East, toiled and eventually had babbies.
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<--Official Bible Narrator

Why did you and dad have to piss off grandpa?! I could have been totally set for life. Instead I have to bust my ass day and night fielding the crops.
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Oh Cain! Why can't you be more like your brother Abel?
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Hi, Ma! I'm done petting the spring lambs.
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Such a nice boy.
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ooo
#9 2008-03-16 17:04:33

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Oh Cain. Stop being such a negative nancy and come help me recover this divan.
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Die, Bitch!
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WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!? YOUR BROTHER'S BLOOD CRIES OUT FROM THE GROUND.
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Uh, he's sleeping.
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EAT MY FRUIT AND I'LL TOTALLY FUQ YOU UP.  BUT KILL SOMEBODY?  OH, I'LL... WELL...
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I WILL MAKE YOU A REALLY SHYTTY FARMER. NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!
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Damn, fine.
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ooo
#10 2008-03-16 17:08:01

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

And then God came to Noah one day n' said:
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NOAH, I HATE ALL YOU LOOSERS SO IM GOING TO FLOOD YOU ALL LIKE RATS. NOW GO BUILD A FUQING BOAT AND FILL IT WITH TWO OF EVERY ANIMAL.
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Ok.
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EXCEPT FOR THE DINOSAURS. I DONT LIKE THEM EITHER
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Got it.
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.
#11 2008-03-16 17:08:12

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Well played, Hickee. Not as good as the original, but well played.

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ooo
#12 2008-03-16 17:10:55

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

And for forty days and forty nights it rained. And it took two months before Noah found dry land.
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We're alive! We're alive! Time to get drunk, and then NAKED and then maybe play with my nipples alot.
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Augh! DAD what are you doing?!!
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Curse you, Ham! You shouldn't be seeing these things. Curse you!
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MAY HAM AND ALL OF HAM'S DESCENDENTS BE CURSED!
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Why God? I just walked in on him. He's the pervert!
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DONT QUESTION ME, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT
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ooo
#13 2008-03-16 17:12:56

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

. wrote:

Well played, Hickee. Not as good as the original, but well played.

this was by far my favorite thread from the old red board, I almost have it memorized

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ooo
#14 2008-03-16 17:22:13

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

See ya, Abraham. I'm going to visit the Sodomites and pitch a tent.
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Be good, Lot. Watch your back. Bye.
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Well, everybody's left now. Time to kick back and relax.
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ABRAHAM!
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Hi, God! {shyt}
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YOU LOVE ME, DONT YOU?
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Uh, sure God. And you're right about foreskins. Who needs em? Stupid if you ask me. Anyway, gotta go.
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I WANT YOU TO SACRIFICE TO ME YOUR ONLY BOY, ISAAC.
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ON AN UNRELATED NOTE, I GET SUCH A KICK OUT OF THAT EXPRESSION YOU MAKE WHEN I SAY THINGS LIKE THAT.
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ooo
#15 2008-03-16 17:26:50

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Ok god. I've tricked my boy into coming with me all the way out to this mountain, and he's all trussed up on the alter, and well uh.. I'm gonna do it! Here goes...
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1...2....3
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DON'T DO IT! YOU'VE PROVEN YOUR LOYALTY TO GOD. DON'T KILL YOUR BOY!!
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Who the fuq are you?
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I am a heavensent magical angel here to tell you God is just funning with you! Stop this at once!
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Well why couldn't he have the decency to tell me in person? I hardly think this is funny.
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He would but he's uh...busy.
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OK. WHAT EXACTLY AM I GOING TO RAIN DOWN ON THESE FUKING KNOBGOBBLERS BESIDES FIRE? MAGMA? NO, FIRE AND MAGMA IS TOO REDUNDANT. FROGS? NAH, MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME. OK. HOW ABOUT I WERE TO RAIN DOWN BIG ASS CHUNKS OF BROCCOLI? NO. OK. SEA HORSES IT IS.
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ooo
#16 2008-03-16 17:30:41

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Meanwhile, in Sodom..
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So, did ya hear what God did to Abraham last week?
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God who?
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What are you doing to my wife?
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Don't be a square, hon. Come join us.
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ooo
#17 2008-03-16 17:35:04

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

LOT, LISTEN UP. YOUR PROBABLY THE ONLY HUMAN WHO HASNT PISSED ME OFF LATELY BUT IM GOING TO KILL A BUNCH OF YOU AGAIN. JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, FAIR WARNING AND ALL.
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Why, God? Why?
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GOD HATES FAGS. NEXT QUESTION.
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Don't! I mean, surely there's some good people in town who deserve to live.
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FINE, IF THERE IS 50 GOOD PEOPLE Ill LEAVE YOU POOFSTERS ALONE. WHAT THE SHYT.
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WAIT! Say there's like....49 good people. Then what?
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OK, IF THERES 30 GOOD PEOPLE, ILL GO EXTERMINATE SOME DODO BIRDS INSTEAD OR SOMETHING.
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But...what if there's 29 people? You see where I'm going with this?
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QUIT MIMMYING YOU IDIOT. FINE. IF THERE IS LIKE 10 GOOD PEOPLE LEFT IN SODOM, ILL LAY OFF...
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kckitty
#18 2008-03-16 17:35:37

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

OMG...

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ooo
#19 2008-03-16 17:38:35

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

So I hear Lot has shacked up with a couple of hotties from out of town.
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Lets go meet them.
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Lot! Bring out your pretty friends. We want to know them if you get mah drift.
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Uh, guys. They can't come out right now. They're REALLY busy um...ah...molting.
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Might you be interested in my two daughters perchance?
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We have never done anal before tee hee
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ooo
#20 2008-03-16 17:40:34

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

We made it out safe! Keep moving! Whatever you do, wife. Dont look back!!!
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Huh?
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ooo
#21 2008-03-16 17:43:18

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

So, daughters, your mother has turned into salt and now it's just us three here in this cave. Civilization is lost, and we're going to have to tough it out until things blow over.
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But who will ever marry us? There's no menfolk left.
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Haven't thought of that. Pass me that bottle of wine, will ya?
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Ahem: Genesis 19:30
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One day the older daughter said to the younger, Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth. Let's get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father. So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went and lay with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. So both of Lot's daughters became pregnant by their father.
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Dad may be an old man but he was a pretty decent fuq
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Whoooose your daddy...and grampy?
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ooo
#22 2008-03-16 17:50:35

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

anyway...Abraham and his barren wife Sarah were at the time living with his father, and Abraham's children from his other wife, who were just like their mother, the youngest one in curls. Anyway, one day, God said...
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ABRAHAM. ITS TIME TO GET THE FUQ OUT OF IRAQ.
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Why God? We're doing pretty good here, I suppose.
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SURE SURE. BUT I GOT BIG PLANS FOR YOU GUYS.
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What plans do you have for us, God?
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I NEED YOU TO GO TO A MAGICAL LAND I MADE FOR YOU AND CREATE A MIGHTY NATION OF LOOSERS WHO I GET TO SHYT ON FOR A FEW THOUSAND YEARS. AND THEN WHEN I GROW BORED OF SHYTTING ON YOU, OTHER NATIONS WILL PUCK UP WHERE I LEFT OFF.
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(sigh) And what do you call this magical land?
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IM STILL WORKING ON THAT. LETS CALL IT "HAPPY JEW LAND" FOR NOW.
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Whats a "Jew"?
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WHY YOU ARE, STUPID.
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So, Abraham and his family set off for Happy Jew Land, but when they got there, there were problems.
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You said it. (1) There's nothing happy about it (2) There's no food, and (3) PEOPLE ALREADY LIVE HERE WHO DON'T WANT US AROUND. Let's go to Egypt.
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So, Abraham and his family packed their shyt and went to Egypt.
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But even Egypt had problems.
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Now listen to me, wife. We're in Egypt. Pay mind to the local customs and dress modestly.
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Yes, my husband.
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Holy shyt. Look at that hot piece of ass!
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<-- Pharaoh

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ooo
#23 2008-03-16 17:55:41

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

That hot mama will be mine. Bring her to me!
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Yes, my leige.
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Hi, toots!
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Uh, hi.
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Now during this time, Abraham took to calling his wife "sister" since he knew being owner of such a nice piece of choice tang would certainly mean instant death.
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But I'm not such a bad guy, see. I'll make sure Abraham is well compensated for letting me shtupp his sister. See to it that the man gets sheep, camel, maidservants, menservants (in case he's into that sort of thing), oh and, donkeys. Every brother-in-law needs a donkey
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ooo
#24 2008-03-16 17:57:31

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Crap! You gave me crabs! The clap! chlamydia! Herpes simplex, herpes duplex, cooties, and heart worms! WTF kind of woman are you?
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That couldn't possibly have been me. God must have done it!
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I may be a powerful king, but I'm also incredibly stupid. I believe you. You're free to go. But take your loser brother and get out of here at once!
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Fuq, that itches.
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ooo
#25 2008-03-16 18:01:03

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Abraham is dead. Isaac's brother Ishmael helps him bury their dad in a cave. Isaac goes home to his wife Rebekah and the two beget the world's first biblical accounting of twins.
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FIRST!
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And Rebekah gave birth to two twin boys: Jacob and Esau. Esau was a red-haired, wild man living in the woods. Whereas Jacob...


HEY JACOB! I'VE BEEN WANDERING THE WOODS FOR WEEKS AND I FOUND MY WAY BACK. I'M NEAR DEATH AND STARVING. GOT ANY GRUB?
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First, sell me your birthright.
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WHAT? BRO, I'M HUNGRY AND NEAR DEATH!
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Business is business. Fork it over. I have lentil stew and bread. MMMM!!!
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You fuqing jew
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