> The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5

........................................................................

ooo
#26 2008-03-16 18:05:08

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Esau vows to kill Jacob, and Jacob, being a conniving pantywaist, cuts and runs the moment he finds out about it.
\


All this running like a little girl is hell on the calves. I better take a nap!
\


That night, Jacob has a dream.
\


Wow! A stairway. A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN!
\


THERES A LADY ONCE WHO WAS SURE THAT ALL THE GLITTERS WAS GOLD AND AFTER SHE BOUGHT THIS STAIRWAY FOR ME, I KILLED HER AND SHE WALKED RIGHT UP IT STRAIGHT INTO THE HEAVEN.
\


That's a beautiful story. Aren't you that guy who almost had my grandfather kill my dad?
\


YEA.
\


I like your style. I myself am a master at fuqing people over.
\


IVE NOTICED. YOU ARE QUITE THE AMBITIOUS YOUNG MAN. IM GOING TO WATCH YOUR BACK. YOU QUIT RUNNING LIKE A LITTLE SISSY AND GO TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR ESTATE RIGHT NOW. YOU AND YOUR DESCENDENTS ARE HEREBY BLESSED BY GOD.
\


Cool!
\

........................................................................

pankfish
#27 2008-03-16 18:08:29

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

BLASPHEMY! 

........................................................................

ooo
#28 2008-03-16 18:08:31

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

OK, JAC-- I MEAN, ISRAEL. YOUR LITTLE LANDGRAB STUNT WAS A RIGHTEOUS RESPONSE TO YOUR DAUGHTER GETTING VIOLATED, BUT NOW YOU'VE PISSED OFF ALL YOUR NEIGHBORS AND THEY'LL BE AFTER YOU. PROCEED DIRECTLY TO BETHEL AND BUILD AN ALTAR THERE.
\


Then what, God?
\


THEN YOU WORSHIP ME, ASS. UNTIL I FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET YOU OUT OF THIS FIX.
\


Ok, sounds like a plan.
\


So Israel went to Bethel and built an Altar, as God commanded. God rewarded him by blessing him and reminding him to be fruitful and multiply.
\


Have more kids? That's your big answer?!
\


If it's a boy, lets call him "Joseph".
\

........................................................................

ooo
#29 2008-03-16 18:12:45

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Rebekah bears Israel a son, and they name him "Joseph". Israel loved Joseph so much he clothed him in flashy garments and did other things which generally did not engender the respect of Joseph's siblings.
\


Hi guys, you're not going to believe the dream I had!
\


Eat me.
\


In it I dreamed that my sheaf was long and erect. And that other people bowed to it.
\


You hold him down while I kick his ass.
\

........................................................................

ooo
#30 2008-03-16 18:20:00

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

HAVENT KILLED ANYBODY IN A WHILE. IM FEELING THE ITCH.
\


Bad news, Onan. God just killed your brother Er for no specific reason mentioned anywhere in the bible. You have to marry Tamar and impregnate her to carry on the family line.
\


But...But...
\


No buts. Family tradition. Besides, you're gonna go blind, son.
\


Ok. Excuse me while I think it over for a while in my bedroom with the door closed.
\


IDIOT! THAT STUFF IS FOR REPRODUCING. IF ALL HUMANS STOP BEGETTING, EVERYBODY WILL DIE AND ILL HAVE NOBODY LEFT TO KILL.
\


HEAR ME, HUMANS! FROM THIS POINT ON, MASTURBATION IS A SIN PUNISHABLE BY DEATH!
\


OH YEA, YOU'RE DEAD ONAN.
\


Dammit! I was so close, too.
\

........................................................................

ooo
#31 2008-03-16 18:23:05

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Deeply annoyed by Joseph's attentionwhoredom, his brothers trap him in a pit and sell him into to slavery, not before taking his frilly coat and dipping it in goats blood to fool their father.
\


My boy has been killed by rabid nanny goats. Oh the humanity. Boo hoo hoo.
\


Joseph was sold to Potiphor, a wealthy egyptian bureaucrat who constantly ignored his wife.
\


Nice people, really. But they always want me to do something for them. What am I, their...oh shyt.
\


Hi Joseph. I need you to bend over and scrub the floor shirtless again.
\
  <--Potiphor

Hi Joseph. I need you to stuff me like a rag doll. I need your hairy yambag junk in me right goddamn now. Fuq me. Fuq me. Please! Please! Please!
\
<-- Potiphor's wife

I don't understand what you're all saying. Are you speaking Egyptian?
\

........................................................................

ooo
#32 2008-03-16 18:24:57

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Joseph. Please hear the yearning in my voice. My husband never pays attention to me ever. I need your touch. I need the gentleness of your voice. I need to feel your closeness. Specifically, I need your head crammed between my thighs while you recite the alphabet and call me a bad wife.
\


Gee whiz, ma'am. I'd like to help you, but I keep having these bizzare dreams, and I don't remember sex with women being in any of them.
\


Dammit!
\

........................................................................

Rancho_Relaxo
#33 2008-03-16 18:28:15

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

pankfish wrote:

BLASPHEMY! 

At least now we know who's responsible for the dos attacks.

........................................................................

ooo
#34 2008-03-16 18:29:19

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Enough of this foreplay. TAKE ME, STUD!
\


Take you where? Do you want to go in the shade, perhaps? You look sweaty.
\


YOU'RE USELESS! ARGH!
\


And Potiphar's wife, frustrated, yanks Joseph's clothes off.
\


I'M NAKED! EEEEH!
\


Joseph runs out of the palace, naked as a jaybird while onlookers gawk.
\


RAPE! RAPE! THAT SLAVE TRIED TO RAPE ME!
\


What? She wanted it.
\


What is?! NOBODY tries to violate my beard--I mean, my wife. THROW HIM IN THE DUNGEON! But don't dress him. Just truss him good in some shackles and chains, and tell him to think of a safety word.
\


This is so unfair!
\

........................................................................

ooo
#35 2008-03-16 18:34:17

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Boo hoo. I'm in prison.
\


Calm your mind, son, and help me out with this wicked dream I had.
\


Did you say "dream"? I'm an expert on dreams.
\


Yeah. I dreampt of a grapevine with three stems. What does it mean?
\


It means you'll die of ass cancer.
\


Oh, fuq.
\


But not for another 40 years. It also means that you'll be free from this jail in three days!
\


HOORAY!
\


Hey, thats pretty cool! Help me with this dream. I dreampt that there were three baskets on my head. And the uppermost one was being eaten by birds. What does that mean?
\


Damned if I know, but you be one dead motherfuqer really soon.
\

........................................................................

ooo
#36 2008-03-16 18:36:53

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Joseph's interpretations pan out. The first guy, pharaoh's personal wine taster, was released three days afterwards and restored to his position. The second guy, pharaoh's baker, was killed and his head was impaled on a stick!
\


I didn't catch that last one at all. I thought for sure that he was going to die from terminal pubic lice.
\


Two years pass by, and pharaoh becomes troubled by nightmares.
\


I tell ya, Vito. This dream business is really messing with me. None of my soothsayers can give me the goods on what they mean!
\


WAIT, PHARAOH! I remember this dude I was in jail with once when you put me there. He's really really good at this dream stuff.
\


Well, bring him to me at once!
\

........................................................................

ooo
#37 2008-03-16 18:45:08

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

You wanted to see me, great king?
\


Hi, Joseph!
\


Uh, hi.
\


I've been having this dream that there's seven fat cows, and seven scrawny cows grazing by the river. And the seven scrawny cows suddenly EAT the fat cows.
\


This means seven years of plenty for Egypt, followed by seven years of famine. Invest in grain futures. You'll be fine. I guess I'll go now.
\


Wait! But you don't understand! Usually when I fuq them, my dead mother is watching. Oh, what does this mean?!
\

........................................................................

ooo
#38 2008-03-16 18:46:41

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

You seem like a smart guy, so I'm putting you in charge of all of Egypt. Nobody will have higher authority than you except me.
\


Wow! From prisoner to king in just a day! (You gotta love these bipolar types.)
\


Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go frolic through the grounds with my many concubines. Don't fuq up running the country and DON'T bother me unless it's really important.
\


You got it!
\

........................................................................

ooo
#39 2008-03-16 18:48:28

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Seven years pass by, during which Joseph sets Egypt to store grain. After seven years, the entire civilized world gets a famine, and suddenly Egypt is on top, making a killing selling its grain to other nations at a premium.
\


I'm an investment genius!
\


Meanwhile, back in the land of Joseph's childhood...
\


We're starving to death here and you idiots aren't doing a thing about it! Go to Egypt and buy us some grain before we all croak!
\


Yes, father.
\

........................................................................

ooo
#40 2008-03-16 18:55:12

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Joseph's brothers arrive in Egypt, where they meet Joseph, whom they don't recognize and whom pretends not to recognize them. He accuses them as spies, then sends them back home, demanding that they produce their youngest brother.
\


Weirdest thing, Pa. Our money is no good in Egypt unless we cough up 'lil Ben.
\


This is nuts! Go back there and get us our grain at once! Take your younger brother with you.
\


Jacob's brothers return.
\


I can't stay mad at you! I confess! I am actually your long-lost brother Joseph, whom you shoved in a ditch and sold me to slaves years ago.
\


Don't be afraid! I'm glad to see you all! How's dad doing?
\


You're not mad at us? What are you -- stupid?
\


I'm so happy right now! Oh, I'm going to cry.
\


What a pussy.
\

........................................................................

ooo
#41 2008-03-16 19:00:35

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

We're gonna be a big family! And you're all coming to live with me in the palace! Including Dad.
\


Uh, Ok.
\


The brothers return to home.
\


Well? Did you get the grain?
\


Uh, well actually, Dad. You're not gonna believe this. Joseph is alive, and in charge of Egypt!
\


Amazing! He must have survived the vicious bloody attack by the rabid nanny goats! Oh happy day!
\


Yeah. Uh...he survived the nanny goats. That's the ticket.
\

........................................................................

ooo
#42 2008-03-16 19:03:46

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Look the Egyptian Empire is controlled by the JOOOOOOOOOOS!
\
<--Rest of the world



ANTISEMITES!
\

........................................................................

ooo
#43 2008-03-16 19:06:13

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Fast foward to the future. All of Joseph's family -- in fact, the whole of Israel's tribe comes to live in Egypt. Soon however, the entire known world is gripped by famine, including Egypt. Joseph, trying to save his own family, SELLS EVERYBODY INTO SLAVERY to Pharoah, for the price of cattle to feed their bellies.
\


Plus a 20% tax on all future income once they start growing stuff again. I be one smart Pharaoh!
\


Well, son. You did it. With nothing but a spiffy coat and moxy, you came to rule Egypt, and sell out everybody you know in the process. You're one ruthless scumbag, and I'm proud of you.
\


BLARGH- I'm dying!!!
\


PAPA!
\

........................................................................

ooo
#44 2008-03-16 19:08:52

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

And now we approach the end of Genesis. Israel (Jacob) dies, Joseph's nervous brothers beg him for mercy, and Joseph tells them:
\


There's no hard feelings, OBVIOUSLY God was behind your treachery and it was all part of a larger heavenly plan to make me a great king!
\


WHAT?! I NEVER EVEN SAID SO MUCH AS A WORD TO THAT SHOWBOATING IDIOT.
\


NICE COAT, MORON! THANKS FOR ENSLAVING ALL OF YOUR PEOPLE WHOM I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BAIL OUT WHEN WE GET TO THE BOOK OF EXODUS, DIPSHYT!!!
\


SEE YOU WHEN YOU'RE DEAD, WHICH IS AT THE END OF THIS CHAPTER. GOD, OUT!
\


Joseph dies and is buried in Egypt. THE END! (Finally!)
\

........................................................................

ooo
#45 2008-03-16 19:10:18

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

THAT CONCLUDES THE BOOK OF GENESIS. SCENES FROM UPCOMING BOOK OF EXODUS:


Let my people go!
\

........................................................................

#46 2008-03-16 20:10:57

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

........................................................................

Fc_emoticumb_theatree
#47 2008-03-16 20:38:41

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Why did you change the words n' stuff?

........................................................................

Fc_emoticumb_theatree
#48 2008-03-16 20:41:59

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Heekee wrote:

YOU LITTLE LOOSERS ARE NOT FIT TO LIV IN PARADISE. OUT! OUT!
\


But God, who will prune the grounds and tend to the livestock?
\


NEVER MIND THAT, I DONT EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT YOU. LEAVE ME ALONE.
\


Nice going, idiot. Now I've got PMS.
\


This sucks.
\

The original line is:

NEVER MIND YOU, I CREATED A RACE OF MEXICA-- I mean, "angels"--TO TEND TO PARADISE. NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!
\


JUAN! THE POOL NEEDS MORE STABILIZER!!!
\

........................................................................

Ex_Tard
#49 2008-03-16 20:42:54

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

     

........................................................................

ooo
#50 2008-03-16 20:45:41

Re: The Emot Bible: Book 1 - Genesis....

Fc_emoticumb_theatree wrote:

The original line is:

NEVER MIND YOU, I CREATED A RACE OF MEXICA-- I mean, "angels"--TO TEND TO PARADISE. NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!
\


JUAN! THE POOL NEEDS MORE STABILIZER!!!
\

I'll go fix that

........................................................................

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5